Oh shit! The best music festival in America is happening this very week! Forget all the jibber jabber you have ever heard about any other festivals ever. Ain’t got nothin’ on Baltimore’s finest group of weirdos, hippies, hipsters, and monsters.
So quit name-dropping those vapid buzz-bands on your mediocre blog and take a drive down to Maryland get the hook up!
Stop, drop, and roll cuz this shit is on fire, babay: it’s Baltimore’s own Whartscape!
Starting Thursday (today), going straight through Sunday, it’s all music all the time! Tons of bands, performances, you can call it art, you can call it fart, either way, you need to get there, pronto.
Ten Reasons Why You Should Get to Baltimore:
1. Saturday night’s line-up is the best night of music I’ll see this year:
ARAB ON RADAR
DAN DEACON ENSEMBLE
2. Michael Phelps is from Baltimore. He will swim with you around the trendy Inner Harbor for the correct amount of the diggity dank.
3. Ian Mackaye is speaking tonight. I don’t want to make a joke about him. I fear one witty comment from Mr. Fugazi will tear this blog down like Reagan smashin’ the Berlin Wall.
4. The Baltimore Orioles suck. They have 30 wins, 64 losses. Come to Camden Yards and try out for the hometown bums. Perhaps your hidden talent for drag bunting will earn you a day contract. At the very least you can meet Boog Powell!
5. Stick someone up with a shot-gun! Better yet, find Omar, become his lover, and make some bank!
6. Sunday night:
7. DJ Dog Dick and Javelin headline Friday night’s love-making.
8. Billions of bands I’ve never heard of and will like immediately or dislike slowly. And vice-versa. And backwards. And forwards. Back, back, back, and forth.
9. People-watching and dog-walking galore. Also, I will find the Greek and kill him for what he did to the Sobotkas!
(Season 2 Wire Reference.)
10. Tune in all week for my observations and whatnot. Also, I’ll be playing Pokemon and tell you of my adventures.