Darik Santos, the insanely talented pop super-star, has overtaken the nation with the same speed as a schizophrenic janitor sweeping a medium-sized public high school: slowly, like he has a nagging suspicion that everyone is out to get him.
His story has never been told, most likely because word ever uttered by Santos has been a white lie. Luckily, Sex Sux (Amen) has eaten the scoops of tragedy ice cream, squeezed from the melons of the egotistical starlet himself.
We have carefully parsed through every exaggeration, misinterpretation, and conflation, and have found the final truth.
We now present to you the annotated bibliography of the Darik Santos, mystery angel.
When I was a child, I remembered that the most heart-breaking movie of all-time was the Disney classic “The Fox and the Hound”. The main theme of the film saddened me greatly, brushing my teeth, reaching the deepest innards of my soul and butt. If you forget how the plot goes, the two protagonists were denied their inalienable right to crossbreed into a fox-hound or hound-fox, depending on who was on top. Who is to say that a fox-hound interspecies family couldn’t have been a happy, fulfilling relationship?
The eventual death of the fox, due to the hound’s naturally dank hunting skills, was a cop-out by the Disney family: they could’ve been ahead of the beast-on-beast, inter-species breeding phenomenon that’s been sweeping the nation of Texas, capturing the imagination of each and every middle-aged housewife. They dropped the ball in 1981 and it would take a brave cat and dog to pick that ball right back up.
It was 1998 when Nickelodeon first aired the gritty documentary “CatDog,” finally gaining the courage to break through the controversial beast-on-beast barrier. The main character, “CatDog,” was a bi-product of 24-hour-long cat and dog love-making session. The found footage answered all sorts of evolutionary questions that have plagued the United States government since the George Bush Sr. Administration.
It’s been thirteen years since CatDog broke down every faux-pas known to man. Until today, February 8, 2011. A day that will exist in fame. For we have finally come across a rule-breaker of that magnitude, plus 1, in the erotic Darik Santos “If You Only Knew” video.
The “human on stuffed animal” and “Human on pruppet” erotica fashion has split the underground community in half, like Ron Jeremy and a woman in an erotic film. Shame has never been so exquisitely displayed in pop music. Darik has finally found a way to be both subversive and popular, a truly gruesome showcase of Fart and Art.
Panic has struck anybody who does not understand the methodology of young Santos. If the above makes no sense to you, most likely it is because you are blind to the truth.
The true love that exists between man and stitched fabric dates back thousands of years, when the Vikings first roofied Raggedy Ann.
Santos showed promise in this new form of fart in those early years. When he was a mere spermatazoan in his mother’s womb, he wrote his play: The Clock Works: A Puppet Biography. All people who dare to think underneath the box must watch the following videos.
The film won faint praise at all the major film festivals, including the MTV Movie Awards, the Mexican Taco Surprise Fiesta, and, arguably the most prestigious ceremony in the world, the Lifetime Woman’s Network Channel Extravagina.
Sarah Palin called it: “an absolutely astonishing display of poopy poop fart noise fhsssssss.” She is the mom from Bobby’s World:
The life form Santos inhabited in his prior life, before he was reincarnated as Darik, was the intellectual pruppet philosopher, Lefton Pinkhand. The actual soul has not changed, merely the way he carries out his true passions.
When he was Lefton, from 1969-1996, he was more interested in serenading the streets of Providence, taking dumps, and, of course, playing with puppets. He popularized the “pruppet hands touchy-feely” craze of 1983. Even Ronald Reagan tried jumping into the puppet trend in his bid for re-election, only to realize that he should never insert anything into his urethra while fornicating with Dick Cheney’s ghost.
Lefton later became popularized on the classic sitcom, “I Dream of Vice Magazinie,” where he starred as a kooky, off-beat, alien human magazinie in the futuristic world of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, circa 2011. He played himself and played with himself. And he made famous the catch-phrase “How yah doin?” that every child wore on their diaper with pride.