Tinsel Teeth, R&B Motherfuckers, Holy Sheet @ Artisan Cafe

Tinsel Teeth/Rhythm and Blues Motherfuckers/Human Beast/Holy Sheet @ The Artisan Cafe, Providence, March 11, 2011.

My personal five favorite Providence-based bands, as of this writing, March 14, 2011, (in alphabetical order, backwards):

White Mice, Tinsel Teeth, Rhythm and Blues Motherfuckers, Holy Sheet, Bightning Lolt.

So three of my five favorite Providence-based pussies played Friday night.  I dunno, fuck you for not being there?  You’re not cool enough to be part of the 115 people (building capacity, according to the sign behind the bar) who showed up at the Artisan Cafe for some farts, mosh arts and crafts, and mind-numbing skull punishment.

3 quick thoughts, then pictures with pointless captions:

1.  I kinda wish Artisan Cafe kept the same structure (open glass windows, small size, VIP-only type crowd) and was transported to the Club Hell/clubbing hell section of Providence.  Imagine the ignorant Jersey Shore-style riot that would’ve transpired if normal/shitty people walked by and saw the debauchery through the glass.  “DEVO FAGS!” would’ve been the rallying cry.  It was truly a shame that there was such a lack of foot traffic, the cafe is just enough off the beaten path to be isolated from anyone worth fucking with.

Whatever, the artsy fartsy punk rock madness mayhem was a fascinating revelation, there I said it, ho hum.

2.  The most amusing part of the evening was observing the confused cops standing awkwardly, quite literally, on the outside of the cafe, looking in.  Those dudes were so pissed.  Secretly, they wanted to be in the mosh pit, and they will be starting their Billy Joel funk tribute band tomorrow.

“I can rock it better than those motherfuckin’ RISD assbags.”

3.  Did anyone else notice that people were spending way too much time in the bathroom?  I almost peed my pants!

Holy Sheet started out the night with their usual mediocre, unsuccessful, run-of-the-mill musical blabber-farts.  Luckily, last minute they were able to steal away a patient from the local mental hospital to fill-in for the featured lead screaming role.  He will be featured on tour and he is from Detroit, Michigan. 

OK, dude, you win the ‘fucking creepiest Satanic man award’ for this show.  I guess that’s what you were going for, right?

Overall, I recently discovered that Holy Sheet are merely a figment of my imagination, a defensive mechanism I’ve enacted from the depths of my mind, in order to combat my intense loneliness.  The gaps in my synapses are filled with poop filth Holy Sheet gunk muck that has mutated into this nervous breakdown of a fantasy.  Please help me!

Advice: don’t see them on tour, it means you’re pretty fucked up, too.

I couldn’t make my way up front to get a good shot at Human Beast…

Rhythm and Blues Motherfuckers fuckin’ killed it, brought it back to life, killed it again, and then sat on it and farted.  “It” is It from the movie/book “It” by Stephen King.  That fuckin’ hack.

Shredder (also known as Oroku Saki) (born March 13, 1930 – April 1, 1998) is a fictional character and primary antagonist from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise. At one point or another in every incarnation of the TMNT stories, he has been the archenemy of Splinter and the Turtles. He is also known as the leader of the Foot Clan. – Bible

Saturday, March 26 – White Suns, Bellows, Humanbeast, Rhythm & Blues Motherfuckers @ Machines with Magnets, Pawtucket, RI

Friday, April 8 – Benefit Show: Brain Shivers, Rhythm and Blues Motherfuckers, Gila Monster, Woozy, more TBA @ AS220, Providence

Tinsel Teeth rang in the New Year with the politeness of thirteen impotent/rabies-infested chihuahuas.  I got blood on my shirt?!  HOW COULD YOU!

THE TINSEL TEETH WILL NEVER PLAY THIS TOWN AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?  A THOUSAND DOLLAR SUIT, COME ON!

Tinsel Teeth rocked so hard, the floor started bleeding.

O lord, how I love the Providence music scene.  Thanks to everyone who played/put this shit together, you make living in this area worthwhile.

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